Red real estate, blue real estate: How Trump and Clinton would pitch an apartment
If there's one thing this (seemingly endless) election season has made clear, it's that the Democratic and Republican nominees for President are utterly distinct in how they wield their powers of persuasion. Many of Donald Trump's fans admire his blunt approach to self-expression, while Hillary Clinton's applaud the way her thoughtful rhetoric reflects her political experience. The significant differences between the ways they communicate led us to wonder: If Trump and Clinton were real estate brokers, how might they pitch a serious fixer-upper?
Trump: If we don't get tough on this living room, we're going to have nothing left. Whoever owned this before was a real loser, the most ignorant homeowner in history. They handled it just horribly. But once we get in there, that'll all change. We're gonna make this apartment great again.
Clinton: Well, I don't know where Donald is getting his information, but you can go to HillaryClinton.com for a live fact-check. I think this apartment's already great. Sure, it's not perfect, but in terms of the pure potential, there's nothing this apartment can't do. When I look at the holes in the wall, they remind me of the thousand cracks we've already made in the glass ceiling.
Trump: I love a good galley kitchen—anything where there's a great, great wall between the kitchen and the other rooms. You won't have any problems keeping all the bad hombres out of there. This room is just tremendous. Paula Deen, she endorsed me, and she loves this kitchen.
Clinton: You know, I recently became a grandmother again, and it's such a joy. Throughout my career, I've been committed to helping families, and this is a very family-friendly kitchen. I could just picture myself sitting at the kitchen table dashing off some non-classified emails while the children play.
Trump: The views from this bedroom are just fantastic, really incredible. Just look at those floor-to-ceiling windows. Amazing.
Clinton (shimmying shoulders): Once again, Donald is living in his own reality.
Trump: The beds are obstructing the yuge floor-to-ceiling windows, but believe me, they're there. And the views are tremendous. Of course Crooked Hillary denies it. You'll get great sunlight in this room, the best sunlight. Trust me. And no cockroaches. Amazing.
Clinton: Let's be real here. This room will need work. But if you find a great contractor and work out a plan, you'll be stronger together. The renovation will be worth it. You'll really appreciate this bedroom if you buy this apartment. Get it? Appreciate? I can't imagine a cozier spot to come home to after a long day giving speeches. On the campaign trail, not Wall Street. So? Ready to sit down and sign the paperwork?
Trump: If she closes this deal, then we know for sure the whole thing is rigged.
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